In a move that shocked absolutely nobody who's been chronically online since 2021, the Tokyo Stock Exchange officially announced it is going 100% onchain, migrating the entire Nikkei 225 onto a blockchain that reportedly "just felt right, bro." Toyota is now a memecoin. Nintendo is now a memecoin. Even the guy who sells takoyaki outside Shibuya station has been tokenized.
Sources close to the matter (a Discord server with 12 members and one bot) confirm that trading floors have been replaced with a giant LED cube that flashes "買え" (BUY) and "売るな" (DO NOT SELL) on a 3-second loop. The Bank of Japan's new mascot is a shiba inu in a business suit named CEO-inu, who has final say on interest rate decisions via a coin flip livestreamed on a big screen in Akihabara.
Analysts (us, right now, making this up) predict the Nikkei will either 100x by Tuesday or the entire exchange will get rugged by a guy named Kenji who "just needed gas money." Either way, financial experts agree: this is extremely based and there is currently no way to short it because nobody can find the sell button.
— our top correspondents reporting live from the trading floor (a bedroom in Shinjuku) —
Our senior blue-haired market strategist confirms the scars on her face are "just resistance levels" and refuses to elaborate further. Analysts say her side-eye alone added 6% to the exchange overnight.
Insiders report she hasn't checked a single candlestick chart in weeks and is still up more than the entire boomer index fund industry combined. Truly unfair advantage.
"The view is amazing and so are my gains," she reports, star necklace glinting as the entire currency implodes gently in the background. 10/10 crash, would watch again.